Anxiety & Uncertainty

I’m feeling more anxiety than usual. Considering my current location, feeling anxiety is normal. We can never know when what appears to be random violence will occur. I just want to get to class on time. Medical emergencies, where another victim of a slashing has to be escorted to the hospital, will delay that process. I know better, the violence here isn’t random at all, some one may have ran up a drug debt they couldn’t afford to pay, or it’s gang related.

There were points in my life where the only anxiety related to violence I felt, was the anxiety related to getting caught. Growing up where I did, peer pressure caused teenage boys to feel a need to excel in violence. When I first arrived here, a decade ago, this place wasn’t as violent. However, more programs were available and those programs were outlets for the frustration we all feel — inside this two hundred year old prison.

Those of us housed, up the river, in Sing Sing have done, seen and survived things similar to events played out in your favorite violent scenes on screen. We take pride in coming from the urban war zones that we do, because we survived. Many of us have scars upon our bodies that tell tale of the traumas endured. Whether stab wounds or bullet holes, there are surgical scars upon our abdomens from the surgeries which held death at bay. Due to the memory of the staples imprinted into our skin next to the long incision mark, those scars are referred to as a zipper. Walking miracles abound in this place, survivors hardened by the presence of old death who told them, “not today, but I’ll be back.” The scar marking my stomach is a testament to my own miracle.

I realize some of the anxiety I’m feeling is related to uncertainty. During the beginning of my incarceration I heard how it begins to feel as you get closer to your release date. However, it’s an entirely different thing when you begin feeling that way yourself and, you don’t feel comfortable talking to your brothers about it. There are men who have become shoulders to cry on, when I never anticipated this level of brotherhood upon being sentenced to twenty years in prison. My brothers, they also carry uncertainty. Unlike mine, theirs is related to hoping legislation will pass. Legislation that would afford them the possibility of release.

Most of the men who have mentored and helped me become this better version of myself, have double the time in that I do — and I’m on my fifteenth year. On top of all their time behind the wall, some also have decades until they’re even eligible for release. We refer to this as a defacto death sentence. I’m dealing with anxiety in face of the uncertainty relating to reentry, but I have a release date that’s approximately two years away and I will have the support of Hudson Link.

In my experience, I witnessed how people involved in the justice system make sure and get their children out of jams with their numerous get out of jail free cards. The worst influence I had in my life, came from a teenage boy whose mother was an Assistant District Attorney in Manhattan, and his step father was a Port Authority Police Officer. All the closed door conversations that ensured he got the best possible bargain — if he even made it in front of a judge — would never be afforded to those of us without parents in such position. How many of those who are party to our Criminal Justice System, in this age of mass incarceration, have gone to lengths to save their offspring from jail time?

Some of the same people screaming “Lock Them Up” the loudest, commit injustice just to prevent their own children from being shipped off to serve deserved jail time! We will all want mercy when we stand in front of the seat of judgement in front of The Lord. Why is it that New York policymakers won’t allow Judges to utilize their experience and expertise to give a transformed person a Second Look? From the Chief Judge of New York State’s mouth to my ears, I heard the Honorable Rowan Wilson say he is in full support of the Second Look act, as is with no carve outs. I want you to sit and contemplate this, is it really justice when an adolescent is sentenced to death by incarceration, when their brain was not even fully developed during the incident that landed them behind bars?